Everything About Music

A Guide Through The World Of Sound

     Living, as I do, in "Music City, USA", I find it almost an imperative that I help out those less fortunate than I when it comes to the World of Sound.

The Listeners:

Music Hater
     Likes music at church, funerals, and between innings at ball games. Does not own, and has never thought of buying, stereo equipment or radios except for the ones that wake you up in the morning and have clocks built in that blink 12:00 every time the power goes off.  Has only one radio and that’s in the car.  All the buttons are set to either news stations or talk programs.  Despite desperate attempts otherwise, often becomes the father or mother of a music freak.

Music Freak
     Owns 8,000 old records, 16,000 CDs, and 20,000 MP3s.  Suffers from 35 percent hearing loss in both ears. Recently purchased speakers nine feet tall. Always gets fifth row center seats for all concerts.  Official Dead Head even after Jerry Garcia died. Saw Pink Floyd movie 200 times.  Would sell sister into slavery for a shot at remixing "Exile On Main Street."

Music Student
     “Appreciates” music.  Played piano well at birth.  Can whistle most great classical works.  Never heard of Captain Beefheart or Talking Heads, although admits a fondness for Beatles’ Rubber Soul because of simple but interesting rhythm patterns and novel harmonic contrasts.  Can maneuver in crowds with cello.  Uses the college CD collection and soundproof listening booths; does not own stereo, iPod, or any CDs.

Music Collector
     Never listens to any form of music.  Has massive collection of records, tapes, and CDs, all wrapped in plastic, and several 2TB external hard drives full of MP3s locked in a safe.  Knows the catalog numbers of every Bessie Smith seventy-eight RPM record ever recorded.  Likes to chat about the “old Black Tar Moon” label, and so forth.  Went on honeymoon to Nashville to hunt for copy of Kentucky Harvest Blues by Myron Glurkovitz.

The Music Lover
     Cannot tell the difference between Beethoven and U2.  Thinks of music as either beautiful or not beautiful.  Has large stereo console in living room.  Enjoys listening to General Motors demonstration CD that came with the Buick Electra.  Likes Barry Manilow because he writes to his parents.  Incurable hummer.

Rock ‘n Roll Update:

Provided as a service to those of you who have been busy getting jobs, buying homes, and raising families, and whose last album purchase was Sly and the Family Stone, here is a brief update on what’s been going on since you’ve been gone.

     Starting with the Rolling Stones, they put out a raft of albums and got real old.  Heavy metal got so heavy it sank.  Elton John got a hair transplant, but he’s still a fairy. Joe Cocker declined considerably, surfaced briefly on movie soundtracks, and then puked on himself at a concert.  Nine more Jimi Hendrix and half a million Tupac CDs came out, but they're still dead.  Eric Clapton stole George Harrison’s wife, licked his drug problem, and quit drinking which proves that heroin and tequila really do make you play better. Rod Stewart turned into a huge homo.  Ozzie Ozbourne scared himself really badly with some devil songs.  Bob Dylan’s still around but instead of being the angry young rebel poet, he’s now the wealthy old fart with throat polyps.  Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young broke up but recently reunited at a Topanga Canyon Weight Watchers meeting.  And that’s about it.  All in all, you haven’t missed too much.  In fact, all the music you would have picked up at full list price now goes for $1.99 in the bargain bin.

Top Classical Picks

1. Opus in D Major for Trumpeto and Nose Horn by Sebastian Renaldi

2. Sixth Symphony After His Second Marriage by Giancometti Smaltuid.

3. March of the Dimes by Framar DuTugue

4. Suite for Two Adults and One Child for One Night by Holiday Yin. 

Who Buys Classical Records?

Mrs. Anthony Golden

143 Washburn Place

Gary, Indiana

Milton Harrison

P.O. Box 243

Normoyle, Delaware

Opera
     If opera is entertainment, then so is watching the cars go up and down at Midas Muffler.
    Technically, opera is a play that is sung in a foreign language in voices designed to gnaw and grate on the ear and make the ass fall dead asleep.

     It was originally begun as a yard sport for lunatics in sixteenth-century Italy and survives today with no changes.

     Opera is to be avoided at all costs, and if you should happen to stumble onto some free tickets keep in mind that all the female stars are real fat.  And while you’re not expected to be able to judge an opera by its name, keep in mind that The Battered Wife, La Serva Padrona, and Lulu are not nearly as exciting or interesting as you might think.