Tuesday, January 24, 2012

On Socialism and Homer Zexyality

     On the advice of my wife, I'm starting to keep my mouth shut more than normal.  She tells me I'm getting older and eventually I'm going to say something somewhere and my size and physical prowess isn't going to be a deterrent to getting my ass kicked.
     I figured that rather than admit this to myself, I'd blame her for my new-found ability to keep my mouth shut, but it's really not easy.
     Yesterday I was in the locker room at Hermitage Fitness Center and across the room, hidden from my view, was a guy explaining all you needed to know about United States history and politics to several other guys.
     His version of history, government, and politics pretty much amounted to running down anything and everything President Obama had done since he was elected. He was a Muslim terrorist, he was born in Kenya, he was ruining the country, etc., etc. etc.  There's no sense in confronting someone like that because obviously his train, as they say, had already left the station, but the moment he mentioned that the president was a "liberal socialist communist," I couldn't stand it anymore.
     I didn't get up and go over there, I just said, out loud, "You don't have any fucking idea what you're talking about."
     And the room got very quiet.
     If you know anything at all about political science and philosophy, then you know there are so many different variations of socialism and communism that there really isn't one definition where you can point to a guy and say, "He's a socialist!" And you also know that the spectrum reads, from pure liberty to pure statism, as follows: anarchism, libertarianism, constitutional republicanism, liberal democracy, welfare state democracy, social democracy, socialism, communism, and Marxism.
     But if you've lived in this country for more than a year, you also know that for the most part, we get all our education or lack thereof from sound bites on television which is where this guy got his education.
     And I was getting ready to offer up this little bit of knowledge to the Neanderthal because wife or no wife, 59 years old or not, I'm still stupid enough to think I can flex my muscle and win through intimidation.
     But then another guy came strolling into the room.  Little guy.  Looked like a thin Elmer Fudd. Ex-boxer from what I could tell because he does a lot of work at the Fitness Center on the speed bag. Always has a sour look on his face and always looks like he's ready for a fight, but since I've also heard him carrying on about Jesus and church stuff I don't really know if he's a real Christian or just a Republican Christian. There is a difference.
     Anyway, Neanderthal saw him and shouted out, "Well, we'll get the answer now!"
     And little Elmer Fudd, who is obviously on some kind of public assistance because something's not right about him and who shouldn't be a Republican but is because...well, they all are...answered Neanderthal by saying, "He's letting them Homer Zexyals git murred!" This translates to "He's letting the homosexuals get married!" You learn these things.
     Neanderthal came around the corner and I finally saw him.  Normal appearing guy with a dull look on his face.  He said, "I don't care about that!"
     To which Elmer Fudd said, "Well, by God, I do!"
     And Neanderthal said, "Hey, that just means more women for me!"
     So Elmer let it go with, "Well, I guess that's right."
     Neanderthal finally realized there were other people in the locker room and looked down at me. I was sitting on the bench just staring at him.  Our eyes met and held for about 5 seconds before he skulked away.  When he got back to his crowd he said, "Politics in the locker room!"
     They all laughed and I left.
     I left in a hurry, too.
     I didn't want any of those Homer Zexyals trying to murry me.

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